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Sarah Cook
I had an affair
Dear Loveawake: My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have two beautiful children, ages 5 and 2. About a year ago my husband lost his job and went into a deep depression. At the same time, a guy at work started paying attention to me. He'd come by my desk, telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky my husband was to have a wife like me. Well, I had an affair with this guy. I felt so guilty that I wound up telling my husband. What a big mistake! I should tell you that my husband is a great father, a wonderful lover and a great husband. We split up for a time but are now back together. So here's my problem. My husband is driving me crazy. One minute he wants to do everything and anything for me; the housework, take care of the kids, buy me flowers and is romantic, which I love. The next minute he's talking about the guy I had an affair with, accusing me of still seeing him or sleeping with someone else. Dr. Ellen, I'm not, but his jealousy is driving me crazy! He wants to know where I am every minute of the day and calls me if I have to work late. I know he doesn't believe me when I say I made a big mistake and I want our marriage to work. What should I do? - Julie
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Dear Julie: First of all, you did make a big mistake! I know you had the affair at a time when your husband wasn't giving you any emotional fulfillment, wasn't paying attention to you because he was so wrapped up in his own misery. You were vulnerable and so this other man looked like your Knight in Shining Armor. But what you did violated your marriage vows and deeply hurt your husband. I know you want his forgiveness immediately but it's going to take a long time before that's going to happen. Time and your reassurance over and over again is what will make this marriage heal. You'll have to keep telling him how much you love him and how sorry you are. I know it's going to feel like a broken record but it's the price you're going to have to pay for what you did. He will eventually forgive you if he hears it enough times but understand this - he will never forget what happened! Both of you can use this crisis in your life to build a more loving, caring and nurturing relationship, but it's going to take time. - Loveawake
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